We construct powerful narratives about ourselves. Each individual element seems factual—a real memory, a true observation, a genuine feeling. But when woven together, these stories can create something quite different from reality.
The problem isn't that we lie to ourselves. It's that we're extremely good at building compelling cases that feel completely true while leading us somewhere false.
The Real Estate Agent
I once heard about a real estate agent who worked with two different families in the same neighbourhood, both selling similar homes.
Family One
The agent explained that their swimming pool was a major liability. Maintenance costs, safety concerns, insurance issues, the fact that most buyers don't want pools—it all added up. The family substantially reduced their asking price.
Family Two
The same agent told them the absence of a pool was problematic. Families want backyard pools to avoid costly beach trips. No pool means less buyer interest. They needed to price accordingly.
Both arguments were detailed. Both were persuasive. Both felt like the obvious truth when you heard them. And both completely contradicted each other.
Two detailed and complicated narratives about the same situation can both appear to be "the truth"—yet they can't both be right.
Your Own Dodgy Real Estate Agent
We do this to ourselves constantly. We construct elaborate, convincing narratives about why we can't succeed, why people don't like us, why things won't work out, why it's too late, why we're fundamentally flawed.
Each element of the story has a grain of truth. That one time we failed. That comment someone made. That feeling of being an outsider. We weave them together into a compelling whole, and then we believe it. Because it feels true. Because we made it ourselves.
But like the real estate agent's contradictory pitches, our internal narratives are often more about the story we've decided to tell than about objective reality.
The Cost of Believing Yourself
These narratives fuel anxiety, stress, depression, and avoidance. They feel like clear-eyed realism when they're actually self-inflicted limitation.
How many negative self-narratives do you accept without question? How many detailed stories have you built about your inadequacy, your failures, your limitations—stories that feel so true that you've never thought to question them?
How much negativity in your life results from being your own dodgy real estate agent?
Questioning the Story
The next time you find yourself thinking in terms of absolute certainty about your flaws or limitations, pause. Ask yourself: Am I the real estate agent here? Am I constructing a persuasive narrative that might not be as true as it feels?
The fact that a story is detailed doesn't make it accurate. The fact that it feels true doesn't mean it is. You are not obligated to believe every case your mind makes against you.
Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is refuse to believe yourself.