The Performance That Never Ends
Most people who come to me with social anxiety aren't visibly struggling. They're often successful, articulate, capable. From the outside, they look fine.
But internally? They might be white-knuckling through a presentation, or dreading the networking drinks afterwards, or both. Some can manage scripted situations but fall apart in unstructured ones. Others struggle with everything but have learned to hide it well.
The common thread isn't the specific situation—it's the constant internal work. The monitoring, the predicting, the bracing for judgment. You might look composed. Inside, you're running a surveillance operation on yourself.
You've developed workarounds—preparation, scripts, strategic exits. But the cost is exhausting. Here's what that surveillance system typically looks like:
Self-Monitoring
Constantly checking yourself: "Is my voice shaking? Am I standing weirdly? Did that joke land? Are they bored?"
Scripting
Rehearsing what you'll say before you say it. Planning your opening line, your exit strategy, your response to predictable questions.
Post-Event Replay
Lying awake at 2am dissecting a 30-second conversation. Cringing at a "mistake" no one else noticed or remembered.
The Phone Shield
Using your phone as a prop to avoid looking alone. Clutching a drink for something to do with your hands. Standing near the exit.
These strategies feel like they're helping you survive. They're not. They're keeping you trapped.
The Loop That Keeps You Stuck
Social anxiety maintains itself through a predictable cycle. Understanding this cycle is the first step to breaking it.
The Trigger
A meeting, a date, a party, a presentation. Even just being observed while eating or working.
The Prediction
"I'll look awkward. I'll have nothing to say. They'll notice I'm anxious. I'll say something stupid."
Self-Focused Attention
You turn inward. Instead of engaging with the conversation, you're monitoring your heart rate, your blush, your voice. You're engaging with a distorted mirror image of yourself, not the actual people in front of you.
Safety Behaviours
You stay quiet, avoid eye contact, rehearse lines, leave early, check your phone, drink to cope. Short-term relief, long-term trap.
Post-Event Rumination
"Why did I say that?" You replay and analyse, always in harsh judgement.
The Belief Strengthens
Because you used safety behaviours, you never discovered that disaster wouldn't have happened. The anxiety wins another round.
The Tragic Irony
By trying so hard not to appear awkward, you actually create the distance you're afraid of. If 80% of your brainpower is used monitoring yourself, you only have 20% left to actually listen and respond. You seem distracted. Your responses are delayed or scripted. You make less eye contact. The other person senses this and pulls back slightly—and your anxious brain says, "See? They did think you were weird."
Therapy targets this loop directly—especially the safety behaviours and attention patterns—because that's where real change happens.
Common Presentations
Social anxiety shows up differently for different people. Here's what I commonly work with:
| The Pattern | What It Looks Like |
|---|---|
| Performance Anxiety | Fear of presentations, meetings, or being the centre of attention. Often manageable with enough preparation—but the preparation itself is exhausting. |
| Interaction Anxiety | Fear of unstructured conversation—small talk, dates, parties. The terror of unscripted exchange where you can't predict or control the outcome. |
| Observation Anxiety | Fear of being watched while doing ordinary things—eating, writing, walking. The feeling that everyone is noticing your flaws. |
| Assertiveness Block | Inability to set boundaries, disagree, or express preferences. Saying yes when you mean no. Resentment building under compliance. |
| The Blushing/Shaking Fear | Fear of visible anxiety symptoms. Often this fear of being seen as anxious causes more anxiety than the original situation. |
If you're not sure which pattern applies to you, that's normal. Part of the work is mapping your specific triggers, fears, and safety behaviours precisely.
Wondering where you sit? Take the Social Anxiety Self-Assessment (3-5 minutes) to get a baseline measure of your symptoms.
What We Actually Do in Sessions
This isn't open-ended talking about your childhood (unless that's relevant). It's a structured process with a clear logic.
Map Your Personal Pattern
Your specific triggers, predictions, safety behaviours, and post-event patterns. We need an accurate picture of how your anxiety operates before we can change it.
Attention Training
Social anxiety involves too much attention turned inward. We train you to shift focus outward—onto the conversation, the other person, what's actually being said. When you stop monitoring yourself, you become more natural and more engaging.
Drop the Safety Behaviours
Those things you do to feel safer—avoiding eye contact, rehearsing, holding your phone—actually keep anxiety alive. We work on gradually letting go of these crutches so you can discover you don't need them.
Behavioural Experiments
Not reckless exposure, but carefully designed experiments to test your predictions. You believe pausing too long will make people think you're stupid? We test it. Deliberately. And you discover the predicted disaster doesn't happen.
Cognitive Restructuring
Challenging the mind-reading, the catastrophic predictions, the harsh self-judgement. Learning to respond to your own thoughts with accuracy rather than automatic acceptance.
Reduce Post-Event Rumination
Breaking the habit of replaying conversations and finding new things to cringe about. This is where a lot of the suffering happens—and it's addressable.
You'll leave sessions with a plan—because social anxiety improves through real-world learning, not insight alone.
What Actually Changes
The goal isn't to become someone who loves being the centre of attention. It's to have a choice. To show up without the constant internal surveillance. To connect without performing.
People who do this work well typically notice:
- Less self-monitoring. Conversations feel less like performances.
- More freedom to speak without rehearsing every line first.
- Reduced post-event rumination. No more lying awake analysing.
- Shorter recovery time after social situations.
- Greater ability to set boundaries and express preferences.
- The capacity to actually enjoy interactions you previously just survived.
- A wider life: more connection, more opportunities, more ease.
This Takes Work
I won't pretend treatment is easy. Facing your fears on purpose feels counterintuitive and uncomfortable. But the people who engage fully—who do the between-session experiments, who lean into the discomfort—are the ones who see lasting change. Most people with focused treatment see meaningful improvement in a matter of months.
Common Questions
No. Introversion is a temperament preference—recharging by being alone. Social anxiety is fear-based and constricting. Many extroverts have social anxiety; many introverts don't. The key difference: introverts might prefer solitude; people with social anxiety often want connection but feel blocked from it.
Exposure is central to treatment, but it's not about flooding or humiliation. We design experiments that are challenging but manageable, targeting your specific fears. The goal is learning, not suffering. You won't be asked to do public speaking if your issue is one-on-one conversation.
It depends on severity, how entrenched the avoidance patterns are, and whether shame or perfectionism are central drivers. Many people make meaningful progress within a focused block of 8-14 sessions when the plan is clear and practice is consistent.
Often, yes—especially when those symptoms are being amplified by self-monitoring and fear of being noticed. The more you watch for blushing, the more you blush. Attention training and dropping safety behaviours often reduce these symptoms significantly.
Social anxiety often starts in adolescence and, without treatment, tends to persist. But that doesn't mean it can't change. The brain is adaptable. The treatment approach has strong evidence behind it. Long-standing doesn't mean permanent.
Cammeray, on Sydney's Lower North Shore. Easy access from the North Shore, Northern Beaches, and CBD.
Quick Self-Assessment
Rate how much each statement has bothered you over the past week. This takes about 3-5 minutes.
Important: This self-assessment is for informational purposes only and is not a clinical diagnosis. Only a qualified mental health professional can diagnose social anxiety disorder. If you're concerned about your results, please consult with a psychologist or your GP.
Ready to Stop Performing?
If social anxiety has been running the show, let's talk about what connecting without surveillance might look like for you.
Book a SessionIn crisis? If you're in immediate danger or at risk of harming yourself, please call 000. For urgent support, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14. This page is for information only and is not a substitute for emergency care.